So Close....

Home Again

2010-03-08T02:23:00.004-06:00

It took me soo long to get back on here and start writing, there have been so many changes in my life and so many emotions I have gone through since my last post. It seems like I could not make sense of why things happen - And I have yet to, I just know that they happen for a reason and there is a thing called a silver lining.

I let go of my job to pursue other ventures, sold my club and I have officially made texas home. While I have been here I've had a chance to adjust to life and make the most of everything. My greatest discovery is meditation is the best thing I could have discovered since _________ (can't think of anything greater, but it's up there).

The funniest thing that I have discovered about being in Houston is most people here drink like fish and definitely believe in the peace pipe. I have never witnessed anything like the people here, but for the most part they make you feel like home (minus the little bastards that stole my ipod) excuse me for that but hey I'm a little bitter about it.

Right now what is going through my veins is the Mary J. joint - Stronger, and some oldies that just tug at you, makes you think of what things were like when you were younger. What has been a turn on for me hobby wise is tennis and cycling, things I plan on getting off into rather quickly.

If there are any Texans out here holla at me, until again, it's just me saying hello once and again....

Beautiful She...RIP Momma

2009-05-24T01:01:00.002-05:00

You're so beautiful and you always have been. The lessons you taught me will stay with me forever and a day....

I cannot express how much of my life you have influenced and inspired me. When I was wrong, young, scared, or too confused to go forward you were there, encouraging me and letting me know that things will be ok.

What I know now is you had to be mother, father, and best friend to a young man when there was no one there to stand for me.

I carry on in my heart forever what true love is, and it is beautiful it is you.

I love you momma and now that you are in heaven, I simply want you to know you were always my angel.

Beautiful is the word I can describe your 49 years on this earth. Wonderful is the 29 I had to be under your loving and gentle guidance. I will always remember and never forget.

Beautiful you are, beautiful is she.

With love,

- Maurice.

Dear You

2009-04-16T10:00:00.003-05:00

It’s been a minute since I have been on here, what can I say? Life has pulled me in a million different directions but the outcome is all is well.

For the longest I had nothing to say or really had no serious words, I was really focused on school, and upgrading my life. I can’t say all of that was easy, but what I need to do is say to those that I haven’t been in contact with, it wasn’t that you weren’t important, I had business to attend to, now that I am free, get at me!

Change:

I had to close a chapter in my life, it was very difficult to do, yet it was a necessary one. It’s funny how the saying rings true that the one’s you love the most seem to hurt you the worst, or something like it. Oh well, my mind is clear and as the days pass I am still handling business and moving right along, but to the one who tried to hurt me, I pray for you, and hope that one day you will become a better person, and understandably that you realize what karma is. I am still standing.

Houston

I’m glad that I finally got to make Katy officially my home. I love the area, love my house, I just can’t wait to start the transition to working in Houston as opposed to taking all these various assignments across the globe. I love what I do I am not going to front about that one, but once you get something that’s your own, you kind of want to mellow out and enjoy that, and this is what I look forward to over the next year is to settle and come home to my own home everyday. Speaking of, it is a crazy market these days to put that golden paper out there that says resume'. It is a humbling experience. The outcome, a lot of positive feedback and two perspective companies looking at me neither of which are in Houston (for that I am a little disappointed) at least there is stability and Houston and Dallas will be close enough for me to get back to on occasion – if there is a mutual agreement to make that transition, otherwise I will remain in the confines of my current company until something else comes along! Only I would need to make a career change in the middle of a storm!

Loving life and it's loving me back.......What's good out there people ?

It's All Good

2009-03-11T12:05:00.001-05:00

It’s been awhile and there aren’t any excuses. I can say sometimes you have to sit your ass down and focus, and that’s just what a brotha did. It feels good, I’m telling you.

It’s seem like I looked at the calendar yesterday and it was like November or some shit, now it is March, and It’s like whoa where in the hell did 4 months go?

I want to say first off thank you to the one’s that have reached out and showed love and support for my moms, she is still fighting….Watching her and spending a 2 months off work and sitting with her totally has opened my eyes to a lot.

There’s so much to say, I will focus on making that happen in the coming days and weeks.

Did you see the Bulletproof Glass ?

2008-11-05T01:49:00.002-06:00

Question...... Where do we go from here ?

I see alot of great things coming our way. It is amazing, to see that there is power in the vote, and we have made ourselves be known, be heard. It's not his color it's not his speeches it's not his experience, it was OUR CHOICE ! feels good to know that someone is listening.

I don't speak on politics often except in a close circle, but this is amazing, and I cannot wait to see where we go from here........

Here I Stand

2008-09-17T12:57:00.003-05:00

This is not an ode to Usher or anything so don’t trip. I just happened to realize where I stand now in my life. I have expressed this probably before but I am just blessed to be where I am right now in my life. When the smoke clears, I have been able to take time out to do some self-reflection, and make some better choices when it comes to me.

I am thankful, for everything that has happened to me, even the part that has hurt or the points where I did not necessarily shine through, just gave me the understanding that I have room to grow.

Looking on the horizon in this hot ass desert, I have had some time- some needed time. The outcome: I can be better, I have gotten better, I am a better commodity spiritually, emotionally, personal and professional. I got heart too. The reason why I say this is because most of my years were spent being Superman. No I’m not high, nor am I bugging, I didn’t leap from tall buildings or fly around the world. My greatest act- was my sons and my family. It is not a picnic juggling life in the middle of the desert, loving, molding and growing with individuals’ from miles away.

Even when I am/ was at home, I was soo close, half man and half-amazing. This also proved to be my own kryptonite, my own inability to let go and let them thrive into the beautiful individuals that they are. So much of me was sacrificed; so much have I seemed to have aged going to war over soldiers that need no protection, that need only guidance and an occasional prayer that they go about life the right way, living by my example and enjoying life as they know it, because before you know it, it can pass you by.

Fortunately, it is not too late for me, or the ones that I love. I enjoy my family immensely, and I am happy that they understand. I am relieved that they accept, and I gladly hang my cape up and look forward to me, and all that is to be.

I am almost there, almost.

Out of the Blue

2008-09-13T02:31:00.002-05:00

There has been a shake up going on in my life the past few weeks. I have no words, other than fuckery happens, lol it does.

What I am surprised at is my reaction to alot; I would normally be pissed off upset or wanting to be well just my sometimes ignorant self. But I am cool; still focused on doing my thing. One thing I learned a while ago is never lose focus of yourself.

Well there is one situation whereas I felt like I was misrepresented, but oh well fuck that too, no matter how you try to slice it; people that don't get you just don't. No further explanation needed.

School is kicking my ass. I got off to a rough start, but its all shaping up nicely. I should be on point in the following months on that one so I am truly happy about that.

Hurricane season is really off the chain! People around here are worried about their homes; hell I was worried about mine for a minute but I got every brick, window and column insured, yet still it's my place of refuge and regardless of insured or not, you don't want to see your place in shambles, something most have worked all their life for. I pray for those that are seriously affected by these storms and hurricanes they are experiencing.

Politics: I have expressed a few things about politics to a few people that I felt like I shoud "politic" with when it comes to them, but on a shallow note, Mrs. Palin is a hottie, in that naughty school teacher kind of way. I know in the office, that is the talk. Not that I am a Republican or what have you, but as a man the chick gets the attention of all guys.

Speaking not necessarily about girls but there is a phenomenom that I think is hilarious but can prove to be embarassing as hell for some. It's called Random Erection Syndrome, and unfortunately it affects every man that has the potential to get one. i.e. like a coworker did a few days ago, and had to walk across the room, or run rather for a crisis management ordeal. All I could hear from the Senior manager is "whoa down boy, bad johnson bad!" We laughed hysterically but all in all I imagined if it would have been me I would have felt awkward as hell. I can't even count the random ones i get, and for nothing! lol.......

When someone crosses your mind, it is for a reason, try to make contact and follow up on why it happened! You will never know what it will lead up to.

Am I ?

2008-08-22T08:00:00.005-05:00

There are no guarantees but what I can say is I'm feeling you.

Maybe I'm trippin, maybe I'm a little lame for saying it like I am but I'm feeling you, no matter what the struggle is my goal is you, not a selfish man to want you, but when I think of me reaching my goals I see you at the front door when I get off work. What a better way to compliment me than you?

I know my hustle puts a strain on you, but when I see you fighting for me I can't help but to want to spoil you, yet my money is no good with you, still I want to spend anyway; time, attention, care and emotion; want to do everything to make you stay or not run or get tired and just let love......

We can be, maybe less or maybe more when I leave these streets, when I leave this struggle, when I get where I need to be. You don't judge me, just reassure me that you love me. My family drama, my baby mama all just have to respect you're for me.

I know sometimes you cry and wonder am I scheming or just be fronting, but I'm gone show you, cause I know you trust me, just know We can be.

If there were a song to share that touches the core of my emotion this is it here:

OLD LOVAS (Dwele 2005):

Old Lovas
Young at heart
Puppy lovers
Big old kids
Both of us
Co-exist
Hand in hand
We will be ripe...

Old lovas, I'm hoping that this is not a dream
'Cause that would mean
One of us would have to leave
Depending on who is the dreamer and who's the dreammee
(Regardless)
We both are here
(So let's find love)
'Till our Golden years
'Till the heaven's close
And our eyes open
I hope I aint dreaming
And I hope that we'll continue being...............

My Clair Huxtable

2008-08-08T04:11:00.005-05:00

If I never say anything else real it will be this: I love my mother with every inch of my being.

Through out everything we have gone through, she has been there. She isn't perfect yet she did her thing, she was the mother and the father for all of her kids.

I remember how hard life was for us growing up and thinking that it was her fault for alot of things that we didn't have or get. It was her doing and not doing things that kept me grounded and helped me to see the virtue of survival.

She was no Claire Huxtable but she is my Claire Huxtable. She is a fighter and I am very proud to have a mom like her, you only get one moms and I know now to make the best and celebrate her. She is a beautiful misunderstood spirit.

No matter what life threw at me or my bros and sis she was there for us when we needed her. I cannot say enough how much I do love my moms. I can say it openly now, because we never hugged or said I love you. I thought wow that was a bad thing, now all she gets and all the family gives now are hugs and kisses and we smile.

Now this female warrior is battling cancer. This woman whom I didn't understand for the life of me that I have become so addicted to is threated by this horrible illness. I pray for her daily. I celebrate her dearly and I am thankful that she has left an impression on me that will last for a lifetime.

Here is to my Claire Huxtable, my number one lady. Be strong ma, we can win.

You only get one, and no matter what that one will always be yours, embrace her for who she is.

Random BS Random Questions.....just Random

2008-08-05T04:20:00.006-05:00

Life is great, I am making strides and I am happy. My sympathy does go out for those less fortunate and for those who have yet to seize the fortune in front of them or those who really don't know their worth.

Why is the ex being an ass? I really want to fuck the kid up, but then again maybe that's the point.....I am done and to be done is to not be bothered by the antics..Oprah said don't give a bitch power, so that's not what I will do. In an adaptation of Snookie Tate (Jackie's Back 1999)

"I heard you get a check every time they play one of your old songs on the radio. And with just one of them checks? WOOH. I could get me a new refrigerator. Y'know, one of them frost free....

If I could get a check for everytime this you come around with some type of fuckery.. I would be rich" Good Evening.

Is it me or does Oprah seem to be a new person everyshow?
Why in the hell do I suddenly watch Oprah anyhow? I'm not a upper middle class white woman.

Is Gayle motorboating her? I think they are scissoring.....

Why does my baby make me smile? I smile even when I see him log into cyberspace.

What happened to the mannish ass emails from other bloggers? I mean the details ooh wee! I'm not asking for them back but I remember once upon a time, if I were a whore ( according to Butch) I woulda been out getting my pieces. (I may need to retract that one) but it sounds funny to hear that man say that!

Speaking of Butch lmao Do people still getting their "pieces" at the park?

Why do some men refer to one another as girl? That just turns my stomach.

Has anyone any idea of how much Jesse Jackson hates Barak Obama?

I think we should watch ole Jesse too, he seems like one of them brothas that might try to set Obama up, he's a hater for real...

A manager gets a compliment about a pair of jeans, why does he have like 8 pair of like the same jeans.

Does anyone look at themselves in the mirror right out of the shower and think damn I look good?

I got more but I need to go and pack....until nextime.

Woosah (my roadtrip and # 1)

2008-07-22T22:45:00.010-05:00

......If there is one word to describe my roadtrip it is Woosah. I had a blast, point blank. What I appreciate the most is that I got to spend time with my baby.... I mean we did everything and then again we did nothing, it was a trip of course but on a different level. I got to spend QT with my # 1. I got a taste of history, a long meaningful walk on the beach and some funny memorable moments that I will take with me.....

I want to elaborate on my travels but more than that just get into the fact that I am different, I'm not self induced different ( meaning I'm not convincing myself that I am) but I am different....I opted out of the clubs, the whole scene period. I chose to lock up in a few plush....and one not so plush but undoubtedly hilarious hotel room, wrapped up in and around my baby.......I can say speak freely now, I can breathe seems like.

There is too much that I can say, but what I want to say to my #1 I love the fact that you chose me- wanting to spend some time and just go there with me, you trust me and you love me, as I do you. With that all I will be going away for a while to enjoy you, and our lives ahead...... The beach, the calls, all the nurturing you have given me is amazing, I am glad you wanted to get So Close to a brotha like me, I won't let you down.

2008-07-14T05:28:00.001-05:00

I know I said I was going to drop my two down about bitch n*ggas but hey we all have our opinions and I can say I am safely beyond the subject...so I am getting back to me.It's been a minute since I have posted, and for good reason too. I feel like I haven't been livin up to why I came here in the first place. I got it together in certain respects and I am going to just let it flow......I am enjoying the hell out of my new crib. Life is great, I am celebrating a promotion and getting accepted into a Business Law program. I feel like the world is smiling at a brother and it's about time I smiled back. I for the last couple of months seemingly caught hell and it's finally done.I am prepared to be the brother that I need to be for myself. I am of the opinion that some way in some form or fashion I will find myself with what, who and how I deserve to be. I look forward to that day. Until then I am just doin me. Some don't understand what "doin me or do you" means, but to me it means doing what I need to do that keeps me collected and in a perspective of going in a solid direction. At the end of the day, I have me. My number one and I have come a long way. I feel jaded sometimes thinking about my baby seeing me going through these changes but I got my chest out there because he stood by a nigga when no one else seemed to understand..no matter where we go from where we started my obj is to see that guy do his thing I got love for him no matter what. It is about time that I put more focus in his direction too....he has given me alot of attention and I need to get down to lovin on him ( did I just say that) Maybe I am uum what's that word...hmmmmI am starting not to like my dogs. I love them both like no other but I think I am going to plan B they asses and be pet free for a while. I hate to say that I love em like I said but I don't have the time anymore....(sad face)I cannot wait until my roadtrip, It's 3 days away. A brotha is ready to just let loose and see what it do out there. It's like I'm kiddish about it because I am getting back to just hangin and just spontenaeity (If I spelled it wrong, blame Tenn board of Ed not me) I hit up a Jazz spot tonight and I had some fun for the short while I was up in there, H-town got too much flava going on and it's all love. I can still carry a room too...lolFor what it's worth I am happy to be where I am right now. . . . .no more fuckery. (smile)

"Cogito, ergo sum" “I think therefore I am.”

2008-06-28T20:16:00.004-05:00

I was going to originally title this joint bitch niggas, but I decided against it for the simple fact that my thoughts today are two fold. I will get to the bitch nigga portion later on…for now I am going to focus on an interesting conversation I had with a co-worker and a homeboy of sorts. It starts at the point where this dude is telling me about his latest episode with a local freak, a female he has been trying to get with for the last two weeks. He is telling me about what the cut was like (fucking). He tells me that she is a bona fide freak, she sucked him up, gave that premium bop, licked nuts did it all, even ate him out, fingers and everything. “ Mane that hoe had me about to scream” “I mean at first I wasn’t going to fucking let her play around my ass like that cause I don’t want nobody thinking I’m no fag or nothing, but after she started licking and fingering my asshole man I admit that shit felt good as fuck.”
Dawg I’m telling you…..Before he could get another word in I cut him off and asked, what’s so gay about you two enjoying one another? I don’t get that part.

…… “Well nigga you know bitches or niggas for that matter are not ‘pose to be playing around a niggas ass like that, it’s gay.” So, let me get this I reflect on him what he just said to me. Playing with a niggas ass is err gay, but a woman played with yours? LMAO..JT then gets heated well man you know what I mean I don’t want people to think I’m gay.
“iight “ I say it’s not about gay period, your wrap game is hurting right now. Do ya thang brother but why be concerned what other people say, you was fucking a woman right ? How is that anywhere near gay? Why would you be with a bonafide freak thinking about homosexual activities, Wade? (lmao) –You don't have to answer any of that , but my concern is where does the gay issue come from?...keep in mind that you wipe your own ass right so technically by your definition that makes you gay. ROTFL He thought for a minute and changed the subject “mane I don’t know but yeah ole’ girl is a freak for sure.

Given that conversation, I don’t get some persons and their personal definitions and ideologies about hetero or gay behavior. It’s actually fucked up to me. Education is always a click away, but the fear, hmmmm THE FEAR amongst many brothers is if you think, study, or try to find the correct answers to something, you run the risk of acquiring the label of knowledge- In JT’s case it is the definition of life period. Sometimes ignorance is bliss:

and if one who sees is conscious that he sees, one who hears that he hears, one who walks that he walks and similarly for all the other human activities there is a faculty that is conscious of their exercise, so that whenever we perceive, we are conscious that we perceive, and whenever we think, we are conscious that we think, and to be conscious that we are perceiving or thinking is to be conscious that we exist... (Nicomachean Ethics, 1170a25 ff.)

In a lighthearted sense homeboy got life fucked up. I thought by definition being gay err homosexual was someone (male or female) that has a disposition to experience sexual romantic attractions; emotional relativity or an orientation to persons of the same sex. It’s already sad that men or women that are gay, have the failed cognitive of trying to match hetero social gender roles and cultural roles of gender identity i.e. feminine vs. masculine behavior. I think it’s a path were GLBT try to equate their unions whether ceremonial or sexual to that of their heterosexual social connections. Also, the westernized idea of hyper masculinity, and the extensive influences that have been placed on the idea of hyper masculinity in minority communities. Although the behavior can stem from practice and belief systems, marginalized communities of men may also display attributes of hyper masculinity to rebuff stereotyped or generalized behavior. To me it is no different from exaggeration, of the male, the black male in particular, and an exaggeration of his dick, his build, muscles and promiscuity.

But does having the frame build and dick actually make you a man? Do these things make you superior in your community, your right or your mind? Can the idea of multiple partners purposely for definition make you more of a man than not?

Back to JT and his sexual encounter, what he experienced was bliss as a 27-year-old young adult destined for maturity and context as a man. Right now, his thinking is off, he is trying to fit a definition instead of being a definition. I think this is a typical flaw in our thinking as men. He is a contributor to the hate, misunderstanding and social dysfunction that is the cause of many of our behaviors, injustices and malice of thought that never give many GLBT a safe means to be open and proud, to work towards a solid definition of who they are and what they stand for, to be able to cope emotionally to indifference or embrace acceptance. This is one reason as to why the down low lifestyle exists now, that and some people just like to keep their business their business.

…between love & hate

2008-06-20T20:38:00.002-05:00

….. “I go along with this game, when in reality I am just as much of a sorry motherfucker as you are!” , I yelled at the top of my voice to Ant as he lay there bleeding. How could this bit- nah I’m not going to get started here because I know I will go to jail. Nevertheless, let me tell you about this sorry ass nigga though. For the last 3yrs I have been stupid not to see the fucking signs, those dumb ass arguments make sense now. The fucked up way of this nigga not being able to sleep and getting up all times of the night to get some “fresh air”, running to his fucking momma’s house just because I couldn’t understand him was all a ploy because he was caught up! I don’t blame him for that shit because that was all on me, yet what I do blame him for is the fact that his punk ass could’ve said he was married, at least mentioned the fact that he had a kid, before he decided to play house with me.

I’m pissed because damn this dude is here kickin it with my son when he could have been spending time with his own family. Call me crazy, but that’s the problem with so many of us young men, and kids out there- fucking sorry ass wanna be fathers that like to lay up and make a kid and not be there for them.

I’m so mad I don’t know where to start. Maybe it was that strange phone call I got after a long day of work. I work at TSA out at Hartsfield in the A. I do well there and it is never a dull moment, no thanks to Bush. I am an Operational Security manager and have my fill with case files from lost luggage to suspicious employees, but I make time to keep piece of mind and not bring my work through my front door. My son and I moved to the Atlanta 6yrs ago when my ex-wife’s mother brought my son to my front door. Carmen my once beautiful wife has checked into rehab. I guess being young and living life on the edge can be costly, as much as I still had love for her, and it disheartening what she is going through.....fuck was my first word when I was looked down at my shorty sitting there staring back at me. It was immediately that I said to myself that I wouldn’t expose my baby to any more bullshit, it's time to take care myself for my son. I had to grow up and get it together. So Israel and I headed out of Memphis to make the best of life. 6 yrs, four student loans and thousands of dollars of daycare fees later we were there. My son is an energetic 8-year-old now and although I am only 28, I feel like I am a good 45. I...damn I got lost, thinking about how hard I worked to get where I am, fuck Antonio fuck

him!.......like I was saying my phone rings and I of course pick up and there is a female voice on the other end. “What’s up? I say in a nonchalant manner, I am so used to people blowing my cell up, I don’t even look at the numbers just hit the Bluetooth and handle whomever is on the other end. “Yes this is Tracy, uum Tracy Coleman I would like to speak with Antonio Coleman.” This perplexes me because no one really calls my phone looking for him except his sister or one of our mutual friends. Therefore, I think nothing of it, and tell the chick to hold on and forward the call to his phone.

I continue with my day, enter my condo, and call out my sons’ name. He is of course somewhere mashing the shit out of the PS3 controller ignoring me. I go into his room and tell him to wash up for dinner, which is going to betakeout because I just don’t feel like anyone cooking. I enter my master suite and there Ant is just coming out of the shower, and I totally forgot about his mystery caller. I look at my baby and see that he is a little tense but happy to see me. I think I am falling for the dude. He has always been a trying person with a playboy swagger, but he at least proved to me that he was sincere about me. Eventually I trust him enough to allowing him to be around my shorty but we have grown and he has improved greatly. I stare at him for a few more minutes, close my eyes, and lie back on the bed. It’s all finally coming together. I like the direction. I am starting to feel warm inside. My thoughts are interrupted as Ant stands between my legs in his semi- wet state. I get annoyed a little; party because he is getting me wet and secondly I didn’t close the door. I don’t want to give my baby a heart attack. So I rise up a little and point at the door where he goes to turn to close and lock it. I slapped him on the ass, - he deserves it, that thang is grade A- Trust. I see his phone still beeping and I am tempted to just end the call, cause right now I am thinking one thing and one thing only, I might need to tap that spine before we roll out, or at least cop a taste. Due to working late, I missed a much needed racquetball session, so I need the release and he was looking so so good it’s like a wicked round was in order.

Feeling my manhood come to life ready for some action, my brain wasn’t quick to the draw, Ant comes back from the locking the door and notices his phone ringing and goes to answer it. I grab his arm, and tell him to let it ring, giving him that look that lets him know I want him. He ignores me and picks up giving me the 1-minute finger. “Man damn” I utter to myself putting my arm across my face. As I anticipate a very quick call because I know he see’s the monster growing in my pants. I suddenly rise up when I hear the start of his conversation. I simply hit the wrong damn key! I meant to forward the call I conference him and got the first few seconds that changed our lives forever. “Baby where are you? Why do you keep running away for months at a time, your wife needs you to grow the fuck up and come home to your family!”, a frantic Tracy is demanding, pleading with Ant. I suddenly go numb- he is now in the bathroom and is nowhere near me and I am forced to hear his response… “Tracy I am confused right now and I think I need more time, with the baby and all…What the fuck! I rushed to the restroom and opened the door. Me coming in so fast apparently startled him; at this point my heart is in my throat and I am in a silent rage. Ant is calmly looking at me innocently and curious and unaware that I am hearing this bullshit live. My voice cracking from the pain, and steam from the shower hitting me dead on, I stare at him I say, what the fuck part of the game is this. I just go blank. He is so stunned he drops the phone and is now staring back at me in disbelief that I now know his secret. …….

This is a rough draft excerpt from …between love and hate.

Customer/Rant/Horny Post

2008-06-16T21:07:00.008-05:00

I am back again, it's like I can't stay away, and I am not even going to mention the fact that I was contemplating deleting this spot. I gave it more thought and I don't see a real reason for it, so I'm going to continue to do what I do.

Out of the crazy weekend I have had, it is decided. I gots to step out there, gotta get my thang on, my drank on, just get out here and set it off. If you looking sideways I' use that old analogy cause that's where I am from, slightly old school, but still keep it pimpin, so don't be fooled. Minors need not step.....

Just sending a great message, I said I was going to take my time evaluate myself get right get it together and so on and so forth.....the jury is out on that bullshit. I read other blogs and I see myself in some of those words. I see the sadness in alot of shit too. Some people although I know they are emotional and by all means that is cool but there are some train wrecks out there.....I cannot talk, I am not that fucked off but uum I have had some drama, I'm no better than the next dick...but damn some of that shit out the in blogsphere...... it's like listening to a Tracy Chapman cd, just make you want to run out in rush hour traffic screaming and pulling my hair out.

Enough said on that cause I can click on the red box in the upper right hand corner and woosah that shit. I am full of energy and testosterone lately, (not on roids...fuck you very much) but uum I am migrating back to that lifestlye, looking to have fun, do some damage, run up in something.....hehehehe other words a nigga is getting horny as fuck. Not just that but damn it's like I hope that one special person is understanding cause I am going to bury this staff....let me stop. I shouldn't be so crass ( my # 1 and I talk about crass) Speaking of crass what are the top 5 questions should you not ask someone you are interested in dating? Too me I think anything is fair game, depending on the circumstance but maybe someone has a better point of view.

R.Kelly- SMH I wonder whose little daughter he is going to try to piss on next. Justice ain't done him yet, he might have escaped his option 1 but damn what is option #2.

" You can have me super-sized with some loving on the side "

I'm digging the Raheem Devaughn joint Customer, I made it my title ( him nah dude ain't my speed so mystery emailer don't ask me) Anyway I am digging the joint because it's fitting for my mood and alot of other things. It's about catering, not being selfish with your love...I'm not talking about emotional love I'm talking about a product of it yeah, the sex part. It's cool to sometimes just give it to a sister or a brother how they want it. Fuck em love em long stroke em beat it up on the chaise, lmao whatever. See that type of energy is what drives me. Tell me you want me to fuck you, guess what you getting dicked down. You want that loving imma break out that deluxe for you. tap that spot for you and talk dirty in your ear. Some people don't comprehend not being selfish, it's like what about me? when I'm gonna get mine ? lol....I used to be like that, but in the end you get stifled, sex gets boring and your appetite for that person seems to diminish.

One thing I can say is I am a touchy feely type dude, suck my dick, suck on my nipples, rub my neck lick my nuts, grab on my ass what the hell ever, I love the connection, then I love the sex. And for people that say they can have sex without a connection is bullshit, hell try to jack off and not be intune- so keep that shit. What I have yet to experience is a good massage. Make me damn near fall asleep get relaxed on some Henn half or fully naked see what you get. fuck wit it.

lol let me stop being so damn mannish. It's just that it's about that time for me to get a few off, but it aint that simple. I want to get up with my # 1 and just " go there" but he be tripping sometimes, thinking a brother is jealous or pushing him away. I just want to do things right.....so if you reading this hey you know what's up, I wanna go there, I want to sex you all over the damn house, hotel, loft were the hell ever, I want to put it down so wassup ? You game?

ROAD TRIP ! ! ! ! !

East coast here a nigga come NYC, Bmore DC, Charlotte, damn the list goes on and on. I spend alot of time out of the U.S. and I see some beautiful places but I think my next vacation I am going to handle mine with a roadtrip. (I'm not tripping about gas) You gotta do you no limits no regrets just keep it 100 and GO. Sadly it will be my first time to the Big Apple. DC OMG.....been there before had a great time there, I will always remember that shit, and Ayo son (random hit) keep calling my damn phone, and it's been what 2 yrs? lol but I ain't going there......It's all good though. I'm going to be on my best behavior, I need to invite my # 1 and make that official, I don't know maybe....who knows I will find out.

I think that's my time..Holla

Random Musings

2008-06-14T13:54:00.003-05:00

I know I have not blogged on here in a while. I have been busy and then not. Interested in certain things and then not.
It seems that sometimes you just have to go for what you know. I am realizing me playing nice to people and then situations really doesn’t benefit me at all. When I started blogging on here about my personal self I have been in a lot of thought about things and a brother has really slacked off on what it is I know I am supposed to be doing. Blame it on depression; chalk it up to inexperience or what have you. Now that I know, better there is no excuse. Random it is:

Why is it when you find interest in someone; there is always this one thing about them that your mind tells you to hold the fuck up about…..you know it’s that part of yourself that tells you, “You know this could potentially hurt you one day” – The play nice part of me would ignore it and hope that it would go away or that person would change, grow to someone you see in your head. Reality is, it is what it is, and whomever you are dealing with, you need to make a determination. I am not a selfish person but I do not have time for it. I do try to give the benefit of the doubt; we are all beautifully human with all faults intact. If you want me show me, otherwise you not are not talking about nothing. I am not trash talking or anything just being real. Real is something that is somewhat hard for some people to accept, even for me at times. But I do leave people to their choices (pick your poison) make up your mind for you and do not do it at my expense, or excuse or your intrigue or your whatever. I am cool with the direction I am going in, but I will do me regardless. At the end of the day, you are going to do what you feel is best; no holds barred….no hard feelings, because that’s where it’s at feeling. If you not feeling something enough to be 100 then handle yours. After all, there is a difference in working for something. There is a goal. If you are just doing something, there is false pretense; an experience of anticipated nirvana whereas two people only get So Close… then it’s like uum now what? Fuck that.

Family is everything, but they sure know how to show the hell out, the sad thing about family is that I learned that they cane be worse than your enemies. I am taking a siesta from that as well. It’s like I am being shown all of these things for a reason and that is what I am so cool with right now. When the smoke clears, I will be standing.

I cannot wait to go on yet another vacation. I plan to make the most of this one, easily. It’s about me and nothing is going to fuck that up, gas prices or bs aside. I am going to enjoy myself. I think I will take a quick tour of the east coast; (situations pending) but overall it will be cool, I will tour or hit up some friends I know, spend some time doing absolutely nothing. Remembering what it means to just be. Hell I can do that anywhere I suppose. But I plan on spending that time with someone that truly matters to me, no matter how much I piss them off or seem like I am going in the other direction, we have come along way and I believe in you, don’t let me down and I will be on my best behavior.

Best friends-------can sometimes be a pain in the ass (sorry Tiff, Damon) I love you both immensely but hey you were both right ok R- I-G-H-T now lay the hell off, let me be the little brother and do some growing up……and get back to the gym, and I promise I will never go there again with another person…and yes it is Antigua next year, although I still say it should be a Rio/Ecuador split. Always trying to gang up on me. It’s all good though. (Smile)

Let me roll…I feel good and I guess after my work is done here I am going to do some shopping!

SHOUT OUT TO THE MYSTERY EMAILER THAT READS MY BLOGS AND NEVER LEAVES A COMMENT! – It’s cool you stated your position, I will say it is indeed an interesting one. Holla.

Come to me (peace)...I mean literally.

2008-05-26T20:20:00.004-05:00

Never doubt the power of growth. It is indeed a good thing but it also comes with a price. I previously posted a little something about me in the last post and it does hold true to who I am. That was indeed my problem in life- who I am.

Given the aspects of those things, I can say that I am truly free to be the person that I need to be for me - fairytales and fantasies aside. I have fallen into a deep respect for myself and a new found energy that doesn't seem as new, it's more like some shit I put away because of the weather ( and my unfortunate habits of putting people before me) My relationship has finally ended and I cannot say that I have any regrets to any of it. - I was on top of my game and gave it 100, but some people don't appreciate you until it is too late.

Oh well is what I say, because out of all the drama, negativity, mind games, and basic bullshit and hell a person gives you, you should be able to pull the fucking plug. I am in no way bitter no just have some pending issues to where I can be totally completely free. I think to celebrate - I am going to take me a quick trip- Somewhere any damn where, I work hard and I got it like that so why not take advantage of the ability? Suggestions please.

The irony to it all is that I think me and homey might turn out to be friends, it's just right now I can't fuck with it like that-I am too addicted to peace and growing the hell up to entertain it at the moment. With all that being said the process of separating is a bitch, because I am trying to be civil patiently waiting raw emotion " to the left, to the left".... dude is carrying all this hatred, lying up trying to figure out how to fuck with me and piss me off but it isn't going to happen...the golden key is I had gotten so fed up with just shit....something in my brain just clicked and I am like oblivious to that foolishness.

I holla at my number # 1 occaisonally and it's like damn WTH was I thinking ? But it is all good. I am going to remain civil and roll on with tha business. I am too busy with looking at furniture and shit trying to take my next step to me. So all in all a brother is still kosher and just waiting on it all to pass while simultaneously looking on to other things. Things that matter to me, what is helping me grow; what is putting me back up to bat with my A-game....and at the same time not looking to anything but all the wonderment and bliss life has to offer.

On a more important note: I am truly blessed that my family is also going the distance to improve themselves their health and their lives. It is not always easy, but progression is indeed just that and I am looking forward to seeing them reap the benefits of life....So to Ms. Kelly aka yagirlbianca.honey (lmao) Tmac G'ma Lorraine and the devine Mrs. Lewis, I look forward to seeing you guys go the distance and make things happen. You are all my heart. I love you for loving me and for giving a damn about a young brother enough to better yourselves! ( I remember how you called the cops on your own little shorty for selling dope, lol and came and got me and kicked my ass!) You guys were my rock, my momma my daddy and my grandaddy when they didn't give a fcuk. I still want my house warming gifts......I wonder what my number #1 is going to get me? I know what #1 gives me already,....strictly for the sexy grown but damn I appreciate each and every session every minute and moment you take to enlighten me head to toe, and for the many reasons you give me to start running those miles again.

Makings of Me

2008-05-24T12:10:00.021-05:00

I don't know why exactly but I woke up today, showered and had a long look in the mirror. My life has been a very interesting one, for the most part I have spent trying to get to know myself. It feels good to know that the adventures to my self discovery have led to some great truths that I think I can live with.

Some people go around in life as Cadillacs when they are actually Buicks. Just like I heard in a very deep and stimulating conversation with my #1... hmmmm do I have secrets ? nah I don't think so. My number one ain't exactly what one would percieve as that. My number one is a breath of fresh air, someone that I call on or he calls on me for balance, for a foundation of stimulous and just to politic the basics of what it is to be man. #1 is someone to reckon with, I think he is mildly misunderstood but more often than not, a perfect balance to what you would call a well balanced....err.... hmmmmm. I am just going to say hmmm. That's my boy no matter what.

My problem has been all the things no one has ever gotten about me in relationships. My solution was to figure out all the things I never got about myself while I was entertaining relationships. You know how it normally starts with two people; you put your best foot forward, make a good presentation of self; hold-back a little info, lie on the sly about some things, run your A-game and lay down some serious pipe to seal the deal.....with all the flash and bang, what are you dealing with? you are lying in bed or in the shower leveling in your mind how wonderful a person is, and then it hits you... is this for real? The answer 90 percent of the time is no- hell to the no. What you both did was some good acting; a great show and some wonderful feats to seal the deal and pray as each person un-ravels the two of you can tolerate the real person, in spite of what you introduced one another to or it was just a lustful encounter that would be wonderful to frequent a time or two but you try to "wife the one you lust for".......

Thats where the buck stops with me right there. The forementioned is what I no longer stand for or waste my time on. It's excessive and unneccessary for the most part, and you always end up not really liking the prize that comes out of that Crackerjack box (lmao) See I know me. I know that I am greatful for who I am, I love my body, love everything about me, yes I need to do more maintenance on me but I still get the attention that I crave, I crave attention...... DAMN IM BEING SO REAL RIGHT NOW !!!

I crave attention yup I said it again, I am sexy. I flirt, I have a short attention span, have a short temper that I work on daily, I stand out in a crowd not because of the threads that drape me but because of simply being me. I am confident; in larger crowds I am reserved and shy. I love my tattos and plan on getting at least two more.

I am excellent at lovemaking,

selfish with foreplay. Love getting head- matter of fact that is my cryptonite. I am aware of the mystery I posess I have an exotic ability to garner interest in others, I am extremely confident yet not conceded or self absorbed. I am a man. I love cereal. . . . absolutely love dogs/golden labs are my favorite. I push the envelop. I love football. hate basketball. Watched the entire season 1 of Noahs Arc. Love the Boondocks. Had a page on Adam4adam. Dated a loser. fell in love with a criminal. Love the thrill of people trying to impress me

. I spend too much money sometimes. Own too many vehicles. Have neglected a few blessings. I didn't call my mother when I knew I should. I am a writer. Dated guys that I knew weren't anygood. I actually want to decorate or design homes as a hobby.I love being naked. Love gangsters, hate thugs. Been shot. Sold dope. Fucked up in school. I am a smart. I am artistic. I love to act. Don't mind being tied up, handcuffed or blindfolded. I love asiatic gardens, particularly Koi ponds. I have a pain in my right hip that's been there for a yr + that I should have told the doctor about. I am HIV- I absolutely love Mary J. Blige.

I don't like to go to church, I believe in personal prayer. I love lemon cake. Love porn. Plain vanilla ice cream. I secretly dig white dudes, but will never date outside of my race. Like muscular people. Best features eyes and lips. Love PS3. I love hennessey. I'm dominant. Love to cuddle. I have a something kind of wicked crush on #1. hate cauliflower. Know how to work on cars. Don't like to mention my ethnic mixture. Get lonely sometimes. I like being touched when I may so I don't. I don't cry. Like to bury myself in the covers. Rubbing the back of my neck is my sensual Kryptonite.

I am an underwear freak. I love sweat. Creativity no matter how corny gets my undivided attention. I hate drama. I am better at courting than a relationship. I like older guys. I like younger women. Never been to the beach. Bungee jumped. I am absolutely an ass man. Turning a failed relationship to a friendship. Sat on a roof completely naked in Iraq. Had sex in traffic. No where near perfect. Still have unresolved issues. Don't like liars. Own my home. Want a street bike. Will always treasure family. Want to be able to completely let my guard down. Loved to be chased. Love spontenaeity. Like people who take charge. Was in a stripper video (accidentally but I was drunk and proved a point) Love the outcome of the future. Will never hold back again.

There are probably some things I forgot to mention, but I will save those for whom they matter to most....It feels good to know yourself.....

Curiosity Kills and I can't put my finger on it

2008-05-21T18:08:00.004-05:00

Till the morning- Mary J. Blige- Growing Pains

What's up journal,

Haven't been on in a minute other than to read a spot or two and put down my two cents down on a few spots that I read from time to time. I am extremely happy to be able to sign what little few documents left in my getting my home. It's almost done.

On other fronts life in general is on point. Got down and dirty with my personal trainer and setting some new goals, It's time to just rip on out of the frame, I have my reservations about becoming too large, but I can see myself a little bigger than I am. So what the hell I'm going to go the distance and hit the gym twice a day six days a week, I know it's going to kill my personal time but I need to focus on this goal, wish me luck on that one.

I know I originally titled this joint Curiosity Kills and here's the scoop on that. I may be pre-mature on this conclusion from the jump but it's based off a feeling not a guess...and that feeling is something I haven't experienced since my first time around fucking with dudes.......

Given that, there is a co-worker that luckily works in a different city in which I correspond with in a business related manner. We have had a share of work exchanges and a couple of disputes. Nothing to take to heart just business as usual. Lately we had to interact on a coordination project that was very successful. I mean he caught me in a rare moment where I was very candid with him about a potential road block in our project. He did the same. We laughed about it cursed a little more for fun and went about our routines.

A few days ago he sent me a joke through company email. In the email he sent it to me blind and sent it to a personal yahoo address. I read the joke and was about to delete it when I saw I wasn't a recipient or nor was I a copy. It drew some curiosity so I sent a reply back " that was a good joke" and left it alone.

Keepin it real: I looked up the id on yahoo and it was a picture of him and a kid age and whatnot.

then I left it alone. From there it happened. I had a strange feeling. It isnt or wasnt attraction or anything, just a feeling that I have only experienced one time and that was back in '01, and that was when for one of the first times I acknowledged and accepted a dude coming on to me; my first. I caught the feeling in a simple gesture of ole boy sitting next to me while watching a basketball game at his crib after work. If I can place a physical description to what I call " this feeling" it would be the equivalent of someone rubbing a feather up and down the base of your neck, a rapid heartbeat, and a rise in temperature.

Anyhow when I deal with crap I don't understand I talk to my big sister about things. I was straight up with her about the whole scenario and she just said hmmmm that's something that you will need to follow carefully and unbiased, and don't jump the gun on anything.

Me jump the gun? on and for what? I don't know homeboy like that, it's just odd that I get this feeling out of all times and towards this kid. Fast forward it all. I get another email in the same capacity and it is a joke and it has that email address to it. I respond another funny one. Immediately afterwards I get a response saying, " That's my email address send me an email" So I go through the motions and log on to Yahoo and log in and send an IM. I get a response and we chat a little, about sports me moving to texas and suddenly he has to run. I am enjoying the conversation simply trying to figure out the intrigue of the situation and the dude is cool as hell so what is so wrong? There are no obvious signs leading to what I may think is something relative to something that gave me a funny feeling seven years ago, but my mind won't let it rest. We end the conversation like this:

him: Ok man I got to roll I will holla at you, don't go nowhere.

me: don't you mean don't go anywhere? but w/e dawg handle your business.

him: ok

me: lol iight man later

him: ok

me: Don't type again lol

him: ok got you, lol

me: hard head

him: man don't go anywhere. I like talking to you.

I in no way promote giving in to curiosity because this could be totally superficial, but why do I still have this feeling?

The Beginning

2008-05-14T23:53:00.005-05:00

Wassup out there? ! ! ? The kid is literally yelling on the inside because I am finally closing on my home. I damn near had to threaten a lawsuit ( lol j/k) but finally everything is falling into place. I one happy MF right about now. I can finally move on to some other things. The irony is I had to do most of my closing from Dubai but it's all good I still got some work done and got to shop and party so I am not complaining at all ! ! ! Texas is not ready......

On to some more related news I really remain quiet about who to vote for as far a Republican or Democrat but I am settled on these items right here

1. If Hilary snakes and gets the NOD, there is no way I am voting for Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriends baby-momma

2. If Condelezza Rice is listed as a VP on the Rep. ticket- I'm voting hands for em-err her hands down. McCain will eventually die and Condi will run the country

3. If Barak rocks the nod then I will have to seriously consider a more detailed plan on what he is going to do for this country.

4. If Bush can run this joint for 8 yrs then hell my bad ass little cousin can really run things so it's all good, I personnally think we need a strategist and an economist to run the US not a politician.

OOOOOOOOOk I'm stoked about getting my crib, about finally letting the condo go; don't feel a thing about selling my club anymore......going to miss a few family members but they are welcome to come and visit me though! Nothing to report in the love department, I am happy just to be able to do me, I can't wait to just get into the flow of what's about to be going on. . . Yaay for me, I think in celebration I am going to plan me a trip to Brazil or DR.....I love vacations.

I'm out until next time. People sometimes do not realize that they are much stronger than, they give themselves credit for. The only difference between you and the next man/woman is how much is in you to represent you in any capacity!

Side-eye BS

2008-05-11T15:23:00.004-05:00

Hello out there in Blog land,
I am checking in to give the latest to my life. After some careful deliberation I am convinced that some gay people are evil and their whole intent is to tarnish what some work so hard for, destroy what they do not have or just plain be as typical A-typical or stereotypical as all get out. I had ( if you want to call it) a semi-decent convo with an ex, not that I wanted to but I did not see the harm in being polite since he did conversationally approach me. All was well until "it" happened- it meaning the memory lane crap, not just any memory lane but the I heard from so and so.....I cut that shit real short. I do believe- in the personal portion of relationships, what went down and how it happened and what it was like can only be expressed by the two people that went through it, anything else is just bull- period. Not to mention the fact that A. you to aren't together anymore (there's a reason for it) B. It's old and done. anything over 2-3yrs old if you still got questions (unless it was something unlawfully done that caused a change in health; status or a violation of a persons rights) you need to talk to a psych or the cops not me.

Here it is some 4 yrs past and you want to come at me with something some person has said and heard it word of mouth about some shit that happened 4 yrs ago-negro step. Nothing is ever easy when you are an adult but when you deal with other adults that have a less than mature mind- like I said it is not easy. Final parts to that shit is that I am a grown ass man and I don't really favor idle gossip unless it is in fun or in jest out of the sake of making convo and that is indeed with people whom I love, trust or have a deep sense of respect for.

This house thing has me beyond livid. Here it is the bank has accepted my offer on a home, and it has been damn near two weeks with no response. I mean nothing to either myself, my lender nor my realtor. I'm like WTF part of the game is this? I am ready to move and have been patient since I decided to back in Nov of last year and took action for all of 2008 to make this come to fruition. I think somebody has put some roots on me, I don't know, but to say in the least limbo is a Mf.

Friends......let me get on that one real quick. I don't use the term too loosely and neither am I a hater when it comes to people that have many friends. I have friends, I love my circle of friends we know the definition by heart. and with that I say it's sad that some people try to use it for personal gain. some "friends" of my mate I finally got to meet a few months back. I don't allow them suckers to my house. I don't see it nor do I feel any type of vibe from them. In dealing with the barrage of come out with us from my mate, I finally decide to make an appearance and chop it up with the "kids" as he calls them. Needless to say we get to one of their hangouts and I am not impressed, they were the type that I do not agree with.....What is that type you may ask? Can't say... I go with my gut, and it wasn't with those cats.

So fast forward a week or so, I am sitting in the game room minding my own business and a cell phone beeps, now mind you there are like 6-7 phones in this house and so me thinking it's mine I pick up the phone to look at the LCD and see a very disrespectful message : I am at the str8 club picking up trade you coming out?" Now I'm like damn this ain't my phone so I call my sister in the room and told her that I accidentally read her screen and thought it was my phone. Her simple reply..."That's not my phone its T's phone." TV ain't a thing at this point to where I call T in to ask him about the message still apologizing about accidentally picking it up and he explained to me what it meant and that his "friend" was probably just joking. What the hell ever I'm about to let your boy know the business I tell T and responded to the message. WHO I WAS AND THAT I DID NOT LIKE THE MESSAGE THAT HE SENT RESPECT MY HOUSE BRO. and so you would think that was done, the dude sends another message " The last time I checked T had his own mind" ........
At this point in the game, I am like bet. I go back to watching TV and T comes over to me and asks what's up. and I simply tell him that his "friend" think he grown and want to bring this type of BS around us, I'm going to holla at him when I see him again since he doesn't understand text. . . . . . I simply left it at that. Upon Q I get another message that he was "just playing" ...OK. Just playing. I told my mate he needs to find another set of people to hang out with because when I do see the kid, I'm going to handle my business. Simple as that.

Before I go any further I need to say for the most part that my mate did the right thing and stopped talking and hanging with that group altogether. Which for the life of me I never understood why he hung out with them in the first place. I think they were around because of a status thing....want to be seen with " the doll" ( that is what I overhear my mate referring to himself as" ) lmao that is some gay ish to me but hey I don't interfere with him being him, it's uniqueness that I love about people especially T. but I still hold my word when I see that little jerk of a kid imma rattle his cage. Jesus be a ring announcer when I do see him.

(I wish I can say I am just kidding about kicking that dudes ass, maybe tomorrow but for now hell nah)

Remember to all out there; it is a good market to buy a place if you are out in the market like that but keep in mind that it's a gruesome wait, hope you got a Snickers

The ex's

2008-05-01T16:19:00.003-05:00

I commented earlier on how hard it is to blog and here I am working on yet another piece for this spot, more than anything it is helping me "cope" I like this form of getting things off my chest, but there is a fear that I do have- and that's someone running across this that knows me...for some reason that bothers me a little bit, but it's cheaper than therapy and I would think that whomever the lucky person is that they respect what this is.......Ok im over it

I would tend to think that situations only tend to stick out when you are looking for them. I have not looked for anything in particular besides maybe contemplating terminating my current relationship, but I am direct and I know better than to resort to anything less than myself being direct..... I say that becuase in lieu of complications of my relationship am I looking into things moreso than I should, what I mean are my ex(es)

Granted they are in the past tense for a reason, and I kept my sanity, survived whatever and moved the hell on to the present, but my curiosity of them re-appearing in my now life made me think like wow here they come.... Not so much as they are causing an interruption to my flow or anything just wondering what keeps them coming around. The irony over this is the fact that I dated between the two guys that I am talking about. L and B is what I am going to call them. Here is the scoop on them both

L- dude was cool, down to earth and an honest cat. I liked kicking it with him and talking about whatever he was this determined little Malcolm-X type, dude just caught the bad side of life and wasn't catching any breaks but I never saw a tear fall from this dudes eyes. He liked to curse people out and was very meticulous and that was where I drew the line, his constant combativeness with people in public- For a hot second I didnt eat out anywhere because I just knew someone was going to do my food an injustice to get at him! He was off the chain then.....he had his little "things" that peeved me like his nightly routine shit, that was some really gay shit to me all the cremes and scrubs and shit and the hour long hot bath with herbal tea, ( I still laugh at that shit when I think about it) no one is perfect I come to the conclusion to say but that shit used to irk me, we like never went anywhere one time because he had to do all this shit to his face before he stepped outta the door. Dude was handsome, but did it take all that to maintain that state? I dont think so. Sex with ole boy was another plus he could take some dick and loved to give a brother some head at the drop of a dime which I was not complaining about that shit at all, and every time my soldier stood up he would beat him down anytime anywhere.......the thing that killed us was that he wanted to poke me and I wasn't with it, just couldn't see that shit happening......so nonetheless he tried to get on his pimping and wanna try and creep, and I avoided the inevitable by leaving before I went to jail over some nonsense.

What killed us was his filthy ass mouth and his ability to push my buttons. He was verbally abusive even by street standards he would make you literally want to fuck him up, and I grew tired of that shit, got tired of enduring it just to bust a nut with the dude and moved on to.....

B- I met that cat while I was in the Army, met ole boy at a pool hall. We was kickin it and at first I really didnt think he fucked around like that but when we exchanged numbers and he text me a confession it was on from there. Where we hit it off good was that he was hood, so was I and it was really good to be able to have someone to relate to, ( ghetto dreams lmao) We would kick it on a different level- hit the clubs ride outta town, get high and just do the damn thing. Life was good with ole boy but was short lived- I grew up and got a view of the world outside of the mentality that we shared, but I was emotionally attached to the cat. I remember the first time I sexed the dude- he cried, and he went to sleep in my arms asking me not to leave him and that he wanted better out of life etc...

Well that indeed was a ghetto ass Disney fairytale that I woke up from and that love turned into hate real quick, that dude tried to do me dirty and once again going through shit that almost landed me in a world of trouble. It was at the courthouse I called that shit off with a damn near stolen identity and a 3K phone bill I wrote that nigga off.

These stories come out of the fact that they happened, and I am wondering like What the hell was I thinking back then ? Me with the mind I have now wouldn't have fucked around with such foolishness. Nonetheless it happened and I did have feelings for them in unique ways. Fast forward some 5-6yrs later I get an IM from one and a call to my mother from the other. I get all of this within hours, WTF ? anyhow it's not helping that I am in the midst of ironing out issues that I am currently going through, but just hell no to whatever it is that they want. Can't believe this shit right here.....now all I need is for that one jump off to pop into the picture -------

AND IT HAPPENED

A brother was minding his own one the night of my birthday at a nightclub at the Dubbs After party. I had my drink (Moet- black label) and my two step going on....I was chopping it up and cut up on the floor with a hottie of a female that was good for the evening and I let her join the entourage at the VIP lounge when out of nowhere this dude calls my name. I turn around and at first didnt recognize the kid but then the minute I did I had all kinds of flashes of the way I used to bang that kid....just back to back to back. I smile and be cordial and go over and shake the kids hand and we chat for a minute avg guy small talk and within seconds my baby pops over ( he must've sensed something) so I politely introduce them and you know do the small talk thing for a few more moments before we retire to the vip and then he is like ay homey lemme get your number or give you mine so you can pass it on ( to a mutual friend) I'm like cool, so I dropped the number off to em and walked away...... afterwards we enjoy the night I cut another birthday cake and just party the night away.....

The next day I woke up to send my homegirl a text and to drop off the number and to my surprise all of my recieved calls were erased. I knew at that point to leave well enough alone, but still it was wrong of what my ex did or is it? hell I don't know. I just enjoyed the flashback and wasn't interested in going there.

Out of all of that I still haven't looked into the inquiries at all- I got too much going on and don't have time to entertain nothing. But it has crossed my mind a few times this week though, maybe it's some post unresolved shit that is going on...( secret is I had a dream about L) woke up from that shit like WHY ME...........

This is really boiling down to me thinking I may need to say hello to being single again. I don't know.

Looking back at some stuff

2008-04-30T17:43:00.004-05:00

I need to write this and get it out of my chest and come back and read this later to see if I am tripping or not. One thing about my relationship that is not so pretty is the insecurity that my mate has when it comes towards other persons besides himself interactiong with me. One thing I have never understood is why he would get sooo jealous and act a damn fool. When I say act a fool I mean getting out of the car to walk home, wild accusations about shit that's not remotely accurate ( certain things that have not even crossed my mind) Now I used to think damn, ole dude must be cheating or what have you, but I don't feel that is the case,

There have been times I admit that I have done things to provoke him and that was simply out of spite for something that was done to me. But I am well over that and don't resort to juvenile tactics. I have discussed it and we are moving away from that point. What I never understood was why I used to catch soo much hell for wanting to go out or do things on my own or with friends. This at one time was a no no and I damn near thought I was going to go to jail at one time because I went to the casino-alone! I bring this up because I am thinking back at things that my brain just won't whole-heartedly let go of.

One thing that gets me is he can go out with his friends or people and yes I am ok with that, but it's not cool when I want to do the same thing. ( it is difficult because these are past items but still it never made sense to me) He wants to go to the Chi- ok no prob, wants to go to the Superbowl ok cool...Me wanting to go to Spain with my best friend, hell no from him or why can't he come or me going to DR ( Dominican Rep) for a few days....* I get the side eye and a speech. Maybe it's the context or maybe the manner in which we do our own thing.....I don't understand it.

Then when he did go out I have to hear these stories about how someone tried to grab his ass or whatnot (knowing it pisses me off having me look for my shoes at 3 in the morning to go handle my business) yet I couldn't make it to the door without hearing something crazy or being threatened with the ole " your shit is going to be outside" OMG I laugh when I think back, but moving forward "in progression" Thanks Omar. I think wow. With all this talk about growth and change, we are going to see what the real deal is, because it is now that I refuse to entertain those things again....it's a done deal and I believe that it's not going to happen but sometimes the side eye signals to my brain " just wait and see what happens"

With all that yak I just mentioned for the most part our relationship between one another is going somewhere positive. My focus right now is buying my home and getting my kids settled. Which good news on the house deal is I am finally moving forward and plan on closing by the middle of May....( fingers crossed)

Know thyself

2008-04-29T15:39:00.002-05:00

This is going to be a random post about everything that pops off the top of my head, since there is nothing significant going on right now..and literally right now, in the next few minutes hours who the hell knows...

I am going to start off by I finally got my results back from my yearly physical and six-month exam. Results I am great ! HIV- and still needing to get a couple of more tests added to my routine over my next visit...a brother turned 28 and it's like wow but on the other hand its like I am damn near 30. luckily I look as good as I do otherwise...(just kidding..or err not to mistake confidence as conceitedness...if I don't believe in my positives who will? ) moving on.......I have for the better of outstanding ad-lib maintained myself and I am proud of that fact, but it's not easy to do.

I'm not one of those calorie counting freaks that go around eating lettuce in public and pop a million pills and gorge myself at the onslought of depression nah... I eat what I want, I exercise on a regular basis daily and when I can....I gotta keep up with my kids. I work hard and they are growing faster than I can work it seems, and I can proudly say they have taken my example because my boys are little mini muscle dudes lol hehehe. I love em to death and I am happy that they stay in the best physical shape.

my relationship has grown to a point of understanding. I actually talked to my mate, and expressed my concerns fears what have you. It was as if we did not know one another on alot of levels anymore. It bothered me especially when it happens in your own home. My kids loves my homeboy to death so that makes it easier., but alas we will be working on resolving alot of things and being as amicable as possible towards where they lead. The funny thing about a relationship is having the ability to take a break from it without suffering through any moments where you have to END one. I got a tip from an online source and copped a show called Noah's Arc. I can say that overall it was indeed a distraction and a reminder of some good points about relationships and the things I have gone through to make the current go where it needs to go naturally. With all this at hand, the best route is getting everything off your chest and making the best decisions possible that are for you. I will leave it at that and remain upbeat and in good spirits about it all...what shall be shall be.

I contemplated what it would be like being single (again) and I said if I were to go there again, it wouldn't be in anticipation of being in another relationship. Realistically that would mean me not being ALONE forever, which I don't see that happening either, I just would not be interested in the average of what is out there. I hold no contempt over anyone and remain open-minded but I am allergic to typical bs, people etc. I am grown and I am a man. anything less I don't see a point in, but to each its own. I would actually have to think about the type of person that I would be interested in, I have the slightest idea anymore...I know who I am attracted to, but being real about it, those prospects wouldn't go beyond me busting a nut and moving on....I don't rest my heart where my dick has hit first....so to say love would definitely come first. . . . ( I can't believe I am talking like this ! ) but it s all good and all me!

I cannot wait to get to Texas though! I fell in love with the spot since I went to med school in San Antonio, always something to do there never a dull moment.I am excited to say in the least, getting to hit the beach and hit the strip and just kicking it living and working in an environment that is on point.....just can't contain the excitement. I am thinking about brokering some deals and buying some small businesses while I am there, haven't decided yet on that or becoming apart of the world of the working....who knows

Maybe I will flex some writing skills and post some things from a book I am working on, a later post perhaps.....

Where the heart is

2008-04-25T14:30:00.006-05:00

I am really in love with the concept of being able to write and express myself, but at times I admit that it is really hard to do so. I mean not out of anything negative, but my mind is exposed to soo much at a time and I am being blessed with great things, yet they take away from me time. The greatest thing in life is that I am done with my approval process for a home loan, the market is great and I am so close to my dream home in Houston.....the only cop to that is the sellers, banks (foreclosures) they are tripping with a capital T. I mean I got this money and I am ready to wrap it all up, but they are acting as if, and I for one am getting really peeved at the process. I am down to three beautiful homes, the wait time for sitting at the table for those three are 30-60 days out. ARRRAAGH ! ! ! Dammit man.....

Moving on, things are on the up and up with me and I can't complain about much except the real estate game is on some real bull...(let me back up from that)

I enjoyed my vacation home and had a good time for my birthday! Me and my son celebrated our birthdays together with the family. We went bowling and it was all good. My sister came along and she is Bananas and keeps me laughing, I love every ounce of who she is.... I sold my nightclub in preparation of moving to Texas and it was relatively easy to let that go. What I hated the most is that I actually was compassionate and my heart towards our customers, they really enjoyed themselves and I loved the concept, but nonetheless I had to do what I had to do...it isn't feasible for me to travel from Texas to the 901 for it. Good luck to the new owners, I am not sure of what they will present to the public but I am sure they will get support!

I was reading about the final ruling on the shooting of the Groom in NYC and I am really shocked that the officers were acquitted of any wrongdoing or negligence. Simply put it shows me that there is still struggle when it comes to being a minority out in the world. . . It reminds me of a situation that occurred at my condo with my kids. I purchased some BB guns for my boys, they are well mannered kids and behave rather responsibly and I decided to let them have one since they are doing so well in school and just making good for themselves.

Not even 24 hours of purchasing guns we had police officers at our door. A neighbor 30- something white lady called in and told them that there were some armed guys trying to break in her apartment condo....long story short she followed my boys taking pictures with her cell phone camera to our home....( hence if they were indeed trying to do such horrible things, why would she follow them with a camera phone?) My kids woke me up and were trying to tell me what happened....When I get outside this lady, ( a neighbor of almost 3yrs) was frantic, making contorted faces and shouting on her phone to her husband, " please hurry there are more of them and I am getting out of here ! " I am at this point asking the lady to first calm down and to secondly ask her what is going on.......long story short she proceeds to tell me that the young colored boy and the mixed colored boy were around the house trying to break in her home and terrorize her ! It was then I noticed the pepper spray in her hands and as I proceeded to lose my mind on this lady, my mate comes out to see what is going on.........I had to walk away because I was seeing red. . .

Finally her husband comes home and calls us by name and talks to us to see what is going on, he is a cool guy and I have had conversations with him off and on, he proceeds to explain that his wife is "having problems" and overreacts... In the meantime I hear sirens, more sirens and eventually more sirens.......This crazy ass lady called the SWAT team on my sons! to say in the least I was pissed and finally had to approach the situation for what it was worth: Given all the success and advantages of blessings that exist, some people still see us as the N word. With the four wheelers running in and out of the forest surrounding our condos and the rifles we see day in and day out, my kids are placed in harms way ! Pissed cannot describe how I felt. . . . Nevertheless the situation was handled and there was a long conversation with the officers on the scene, their verdict....hey it's just life man, after all you guys do stay in this rich nice neighborhood and of course with that comes envy and hatred, one officer added for instance, with gas prices so high; they have a Honda accord in their drive-way, and you have two SUV's in your drive.....WTF ! I and my mate work hard for what we have and take nothing for granted nor have we ever thought of ourselves as being any better than anyone...but that reference right there let me know: Get the hell away from here! It is sad I used to think of my grandmother as crazy when she used to say that no matter what they do (whites) how friendly they are and how well things seem to go, if they don't say it out right they are thinking it, and will prove it to you at first chance.......I have friends white African American, Latin, Asian, Indian, etc.. all flavors and I love my people to death and this doesn't apply to all of them, but in Memphis man I tell you it's still like the 60's when it comes to the race issue. I am sure it is everywhere but damn.......

I cannot wait to move.

My bad, My fault, not my loss.

2008-03-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

Out of writing in this free space, which it is free space the one thing that scares me the most is actually hurting someone's feelings; particularly that of my current relationship. It seems as if this helps that I can clear my mind and get relative shit off my chest but sometimes I wonder what would happen if he stumbles upon this. . . . . Yet in some way I feel that this is an expression of how I am feeling at the time hate it or love it.

One thing in particular is I really learned the definition of being self absorbed in- which I am not (that I am aware of) What pains me in particular is my relationship which there is a lot of intrigue, frustrations etc. What helped me to write this in particular is reading a few posts that others have actually written. I would give shouts but I will save that for when the time comes. It seems that I am in a catch 22 of sorts and I have given it alot of thought and still find myself in the same predicament: confused and a little down.

What I have truly learned that it is hard as hell being a grown man. I don't think I can say that too many times and mean it with all of my being. When I was younger for some silly reason I used to have this idea that someone would come and rescue me from all the troubles I was experiencing then and I would just be happy and content in some place where nothing could hurt me ever again....I even ran across people that made me think that they could do such things. Alas that was a dream. What I did not realize is that I had to become a man myself and that maybe the person I was waiting on was me.

( I JUST SPENT HOURS TYPING WHAT I THOUGHT WAS MY POINT BUT A SEED OF RANDOM THOUGHTS THAT I ERASED)

What I can say that relationships are a bitch sometimes to handle. One one token there is no doubt that it is better to be loved and for someone to complete you. In another sense when you are in one be sure that you are ready to be in one, otherwise there are people and things at stake that can cost you, and I am not just talking about money. That is the least of it all. What I can say is that I have learned a valuable lesson.

1. Always go with your first mind.

2. Base your judment of a relationship off a want versus a need..If you need someone then obviously find yourself first. There is nothing more than knowing your own capacity and ability to be in that moment

3. Less is best. The more negative there is at the table the less you need. Check yourself and the baggage at the door unless you are taking a trip.

4. Actually take some time before you invest yourself totally into a situation, dating for those that are into it; its actually worthwhile to not dive headfirst..get to know who it is you are intended on sharing everything with. Make sure everything is in order I don't care how large or small the scale is, it can be casual thing if someone ain't atleast trying to take you out or cannot do or show an extent of consideration then hell to the no. ( this can be argued because people go through shit and I understand that) I just believe in how I lived if I couldn't I couldn't and I wasn't having no one handle me. I gets my own, thats how I live.

5. The game is the business: Most people have their little secrets and their lies. Most. some cats don't even know they are lying because they are so caught up.....So it is important to lay down the law if your casual situation turns a little more serious. No one has time to sit up and here that bullshit about well at the time I felt.....save that shit for the road.

6. Sex if it happens it happens, but don't let your guard down on the first couple of blows. 9 times out of 10 if I blow your back out on the first night, I don't care how compatible we are you gotta play the game out and keep a cool head about some things. I ain't taking it so serious, a brotha is going with the flow, but I'm not your nigga just because we fucked, confidence is key... with that and being grown on your terms is what I think turns a brother on, it definitely gets me going..

Now someone may ask why say all this and you are in a relationship....Now here is the kicker, I ignored all of this shit from the jump and now thats why I feel so fucked up out here right now, because I knew better and now it's to a point where there is going to be alot of disappointment the way I go about certain things. I'm not calling my relationship over or am I so soon to give up but at the moment I am not feeling it. I honestly prefer to be single (not dating nor interested in in dating for a while single. It's just too much trouble, arguing fighting and the games played nah hell nah, and the fact that makes it so fucked off is that I have strong feelings for the dude but I can't cope with the drama. I just have to get up on the best solution and get back to my life. . . . . If only I knew how to go about that one.

Men do have PMS

2008-02-28T12:34:00.000-06:00

It has been a busy new year for me. It has been good for the most part, and in another sense things could improve. At this very moment I am standing here 27 years old, I feel as if I am in the middle of a hurricane. What I mean is that it's not in a dangerous sense that everything around me is tumbling down, but in a sense that nature is taking its course and providing a path to which there needs to be some re-building, I think I need to lay a new foundation of some sort and I need to tear down some standing bullshit that I do not need in my life.

Relationship-

I have moved completely too fast and I feel that I am going to loose a great friend. I am not sure that I want to leave the relationship, but it has gotten to a point to where it is too complex too fast. I am going to attempt that we separate certain things and see where it all goes. . . . I used to be the " heart on the sleeve, let em break up with me kind" now honestly if I am not happy, I realize I am not happy. I will try to be rational and make sure that whatever goes down it is fair. but I know that all is fair in love and war, and for some reason I think I am going to find out exactly what that means. One thing that I do plan on doing is not moving in together. I think that we should have that space for soo many reasons. I am looking at getting at buying a house soon, but I don't want to confuse things, because of the what ifs that are flowing through my mind. Oh well more about that later on in life, I do not want to think about it right now.

Work-

Work is what it is, I love my time spent at my current position, it's been great but its time to move on to bigger and better things. I stepped down from a managers position because I needed a break from the turmoil of battling haters, I learned from my experiences and I have tough skin but no matter what, that shit gets tiring to anyone. I made a great move to step away personally because I did not trust my sub conscious and I just knew I was going to fuck somebody up, but I took a long look at things; picked up my devotional bible for inspiration and just took a deep breath and made the choice to walk away. Right now I feel rejuvenated and I am ready to move on...........................

Career-

I will be going home soon to run some concepts for my new night club I am partnering in with my mate. Things are looking up and I am surprised at how much love the city has shown us. Then thing that we did say was that it is time for Memphis to be recognized for all the beauty and talent that is there and provide an atmosphere where you can come out and be you, and formally it went over really well. We are getting national attention from it, which I think is wonderful and we are looking at other opportunities for growth. I cannot believe that it has gotten so successful and so big so soon, a BLESSING is just what it is and I don't knock it for anything in the world......

Now one may think that I have it all together and could not understand the problem. I think its juvenile myself but I am losing sleep over a lot of stuff of varying degrees. My clothes don't fit right, or seem to at least, I haven't brought anything new in months, I am semi depressed and I am getting a teenage case of acne. Out of all the successes and great vibes that are going on in my life I don't know why a brother is feeling this way. It is odd to me to not only know whats wrong, but to not know what to do about it. Interesting, I just hope I get it together soon before my flight home to the U.S.

Now in all of this "stuff" that is going on with me, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to even be bothered at all. I feel like just hiding, and there is no reason for it all. If there was a pill I could take HELLO........

WTF ?

2008-02-01T18:16:00.000-06:00

I' m here ! Alot of things have kept me away from this site, mostly positive forward moving things that I can say that makes me happy to be mving forward. It's been a minute but I am here, just hold on because I got some things for you!

2007-07-07T03:32:00.001-05:00

It has been a long time coming, and after weighing alot of things on my mind I think it is finally time, my time exactly. Representing all that is me, This Place of Men will be a place were we whomever you are whatever you are wherever you may be, can just be you, and do you cause I will most definitely do me. -Reese.

I also want to thank any and everyone who has encouraged me to believe in myself and work on my calling, you all know who you are and I just want show love and say thanks!